2020 resolutions!

It's that time of year again! The days are short, the weather is shitty, what better way to boost yourself out of your seasonal depression than by making unrealistic expectations for yourself. I wanted to set goals for myself that are attainable, so no weight loss resolutions for this guy!

• Get a ghost pregnant.
• Develop a vaccine for Skittlespox.
• Become physically 2 dimensional, but emotionally 4 dimensional.
• Stop being polite and start getting real. Also, stop being contrite and start eating veal.
• Start emitting light.
• Design and build a better gazebo.
• Qualify for a space ship loan.
• Eat a mascot (so I can assume his/her powers).
• Hobo tattoos - giving them to or getting them from? TBD.
• Something called, "Bradical Acceptance."
• Use my life as the basis of a one woman show. (Possibly called "Bradical Accpetance?")
• Finish my spec script for "Saving Private Ryan 2: Electric Boogaloo."
• Complete my master's degree in gangsta rap.
• New career possibility: dog food taster.
• Become the leading authority of Augmented Reality Journey Building in the Montana Cordillera region of Canada.
• Get dangerously mixed up in the underground world of semi-professional tickle fighting.
• Make 4 right turns for the worst.
• Eat more turquoise.
• Officiate a donkey funeral and a donkey wedding in the same afternoon.
• Have a new color named after me.
• Nudie Suits. All day, every day. Even to bed.
• It's all true. All of it.
• Relaunch of my charity: Sheep Placenta Pills for the Affluent.
• Maybe not run so much, but lightly jog, or have a brisk walk for Congress.
• To always finish my
• Sponsor a college football bowl game.
• Act like a grown up and start eating more vegetables (this one may be the most difficult on this list).
• Find out what that smell is in my fridge.
• Quit my pretty good paying job with nice benefits, thirteen holidays, and four weeks of vacation to begin a life of freelance artwork.
• Two words: learn how to count.
• Crowdfund a 40 foot dancing and perfume spewing hologram of Henry Cyril Paget, 5th Marquess of Anglesey.
• Become hopelessly addicted to naked yoga.
• Be missed. By a person, a thing, whatever.